Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
