I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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