I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
