Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
