i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
