filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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