I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
