i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
