i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
