Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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