I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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