Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
