a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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