just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
