I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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