So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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