how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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