i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
