The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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