I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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