Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
