3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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