My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
