i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
