omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize