she pinky promised me she was 18
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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