Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
