Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
