I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
