she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
