I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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