WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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