Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
