This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
