I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Randomize
