she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hippo gnu deer
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
My bed smells like the plague
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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