you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
