this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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