My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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