if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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