I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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