There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
