You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
