he told me I talked like a deaf person
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
