i just had sex bonerless
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
