I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
