I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
