How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
