We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
