Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
